Trouble in Paradise
by litlen
Summary: There are some things that can bring together even the worst of enemies. A Scott and Logan discussion.


**Title: Trouble in Paradise**

Rating: PG13

Category: Humor

Summary: There are certain things that can bring together the worst of enemies

Disclaimer Wolverine and Rogue and all the x men belong to Stan Lee, Marvel Entertainment, and 20th Century Fox.

I own nothing – I just borrow them but I always give them back!

_**A/N I wrote this for my husband who has allegedly been suffering for years although I strongly dispute the fact. **_

_**Gents – You will no doubt appreciate this one. **_

_**Ladies – Turn on you sense of humor before attempting to read.**_

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"Now then, what do we have here? He looks tired; some definite bags around the eyes. Pissed off, and if I'm not mistaken is that a slight bruisin' around the cheek bone? Trouble in paradise Scooter?"

"Doesn't the fact that it's 1.30 in the morning and I'm sitting in the kitchen of my own accord with you of all people not shed some sort of light as to the answer to that question? Anyway I could ask you the same thing."

"Tetchy aint ya."

"Yeah well I couldn't sleep. _orrathersomeonewouldn'tletme_."

"What was that?"

"Nothing I just couldn't sleep ok."

"Me either."

"Well here we are then."

"I guess we are."

"God I can't believe after all this time it's still this bad."

"What is?"

"Huh………… oh nothing, ignore me I'm just talking to myself."

"Well 99 percent of the time that's exactly what I do, ignorin' you is so easy and it seems to work so well but for arguments sake lets just say I'm havin' a bad day and I'm intrigued as to what is keepin' the boy wonder away from his other half and although I know I'm gonna really regret bein' so curious but what is still as bad after all this time?"

"P……….m.s."

"P what?"

"Oh for god's sake Logan P.M.S., surely you've learnt that one by now."

"Err………. Nope can't say as I have."

"Oh."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What is it?"

"Premenstrual Syndrome, or broken down for the beginner we have stage one – P.M.T Premenstrual Tension closely followed by stage two: P.M.S or premenstrual stress. The optimum words there being tension and stress, lots and lots of stress but only ever it seems for the true sufferer which happens to be whoever is in closest proximity to the one who can actually claim to have it."

"Never heard of it."

"I looked it up once, some of the symptoms include mood swings, irritability and aggression, I didn't bother reading any further cause that just about summed it up. Basically speaking P.M.S. is mans worst nightmare. What actually happens is - women get taken over by aliens who drop bucket loads of men hating hormones in their body's and our lives get……….well lets just say that a vacation to hell once a month would be preferable."

"Oh………. maybe that's what it is."

"What what is?"

"What Marie's got – I was gettin' worried, I thought someone in her head had been let out I just couldn't work out who."

"Let's give you the pop quiz."

"Huh?"

"At the moment I bet you can't do a damn thing right can you?"

"No I fuckin' can't."

"Feels like she hates you?"

"Yeah."

"Does she scream at you for no reason?"

"Yep."

"Crying all the time?"

"Yeah, how did you………?"

"Has she thrown anything at you?"

"No."

"She will."

"So is that what she's got then, this P.M.T / P.M.S. thingy?"

"Yep sounds like it."

"How do we cure her?"

"Oh there's no cure Logan, we just have to sit and watch our lives get shot to pieces for a few days; we just have to be good little men and endure everything and anything they feel like throwing our way."

"God."

"Yep – wait till this bit's over."

"Why what happens then?"

"Stage three that's what fucking happens."

"What the fuck is stage three?"

"Well while they're………..you know………."

"No I don't know, while they're what?"

"Oh for Christ's sake, we're mutants; human evolution's best effort so far yet it's like having a conversation with 'early man', While they're having their period……….."

"Oh you mean bleedin'."

"Yes Logan while they're 'having their period' or 'bleedin' as you so eloquently put it, or what ever the fuck you want to call it, while they're doing that they're all over you like a rash."

"Whats the matter with that?"

"Oh it's not a good thing."

"It aint?"

"Oh no, everything they do has ulterior motives, they don't want you to touch them, just hold them, and there's nothing remotely sexual, romantic, plain nice or good about it, you just have to hold them………."

"That aint so bad."

"Let me finish."

"Ok."

"We have to hold them and tell them over and over again how much we fucking love them, whether you do or don't, doesn't make a blind bit of difference cause they never believe you anyway. You spend hours arguing and trying to tell them that they're not fat, that you want them more than anything, that they're beautiful and you know what?"

"No, what?"

"It's a complete and utter waste of fucking time and effort. Days of wasted energy cause you know full well nothing you say is right and in a couple of days they'll be back to normal, feeling alright and acting as if the whole thing never happened and woe betide any man who dares to tell them otherwise. We're just left wondering what the fuck went on and praying that someone, somewhere invents a time machine by next month so we can skip it."

"Fuck."

"That about sums it up."

"I was gonna make her go and see Jeannie when I thought it was someone in her head but even after what you told me, she's a doctor maybe she can help her – We aint ………..you know……….at the moment and she aint even started bleedin' yet, and we always……..you know………."

"They don't want sex Logan, they wanna rip your nuts off one by one slowly and painfully and if they can't do it literally they do it figuratively and they're fucking experts at it. And as for Jean, that is a definite no, we do not under any circumstance put the two of them together. They probably have some kind of pack instinct or something, you know, the more there are the more deadly they are. That would be suicidal, if we wanna stop it getting any worse than it already will, we gotta keep them the hell apart."

"It can get worse?"

"It can always get worse Logan. You've been living with Marie for a couple of months now how have you not noticed it before?"

"Well the first month………. come to think about it she was a bit off, I thought maybe it was just you know……….a big step for her, you know movin' in with me, missin' her friends or somethin'. The second one……….oh wait……….I wasn't here for the second one. I was doin' the recon for that lab we busted and I didn't notice anythin' when I came back cause she……………well she just jumped me the minute I walked in the door."

"Ah, stage four."

"Stage four?"

"Yeah, the I'm-gonna-fuck-the-living-daylights-out-of-you-and-re-stake-my-claim-even-though-I-didn't-do-anything-wrong stage. Then we move on to stage five."

"How many stages are there for fucks sake?"

"Just the five."

"Just five, fuckin' hell."

"Yeah stage five is normality and if you ask me it never lasts long enough. By the time you've reached stage five you know stage one is getting closer and closer and before you know it - bam - it hits you like a ton of bricks, stage one's in progress and it starts all over again."

"Fuck."

"Precisely."

"And this happens every month?"

"Oh yeah, without fail, each and every fucking month."

"Fuck."

"Welcome to the real world Logan."

"Fuck."

"Yep life's a bitch; think about that one cause no one's ever said a truer word. I'll give you some advice; you like sports right? So I'll break it down for you - living with women during their 'time of the month' is like a boxing match; expect the unexpected, never let your guard down and protect yourself at all times."

"Fuck."

"I wonder whether the Professor's got any jobs that require urgent attention. Specifically jobs in a location that's as far away from here as possible."

"Chuck's a good guy, I'm sure he could find us somethin'."

"Just for a few days"

"Sounds like a plan."

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The end…………….Till next month!

Feedback loved and always appreciated.


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